"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
