I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
