Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
