I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
