I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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