theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
