I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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