if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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