you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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