I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
