is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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