I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
