I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
