I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
