News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
