She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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