Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
