I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
