Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
