Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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