When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
