I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
