I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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