Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
God, I missed his penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
