I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
