found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
