I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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