so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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