Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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