a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
