Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
