My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish I only lived at night.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
