Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
