I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize