New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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