i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
