The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
