i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
