you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
