I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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