3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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