i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
