My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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