I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
