By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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