"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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