I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
