Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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