Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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