I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
