it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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