Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
