How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
